There have been many times when my head has felt as if it would explode, and I’ve hung my emotional hat on the notion that I would have a glass of wine soon and it would soothe the turmoil.
Today was turbulent. The distress of yesterday’s bunny massacre, the heat, not being able to focus and get things done. Not being sure what was important, what decisions did need to be made… whilst driving J to cricket and working out a few things with I. And outside the rabbits’ cage was empty and the door swinging … and we all kept looking for them.
I still needed that salve… felt overwhelmed and as if brain not working most of the day. It really was traumatic yesterday, my poor brain… I have worked hard at not thinking about it, not worrying away at the details, not gnawing on the distress.
What I needed was not a drink, but a pause… a sit down, a time out… and today I could give myself short stops throughout the day. There was no genuine rush for anything, no need to be busy. Times to stop need to be built into the day, every day.
I did also make myself a Gunner, a non-alcoholic drink which originated in Hong Kong. Ginger beer, ginger ale, juice of a half a lime and a dash of Angostura Bitters, built over ice. Indulgent (sugary) treats. The making of it was good, concentrated… and then sat down to savour.
Poor bunnies, how appalling I feel, like I didn’t look after them well enough. But really just a sad and unfortunate set of circumstances. Not beating myself up…. the ranger said no cage on earth could keep out a Staffie when left alone with rabbits….. poor little bunnies.
Actually. come to think of it… there has been no beating myself up for drinking too much now for many weeks. That’s a relief… not that it even happened weekly, generally, but still, what a waste of time and what a denial of self-respect and self-care that all was. Exhausting to remember.