I have been off the booze for a few days and have been haunting some Facebook groups, like ONYB and Sobersistas. Most people there mention which day they are on:

‘Day 35: feeling sad and lonely/’

‘Day 10: never felt better.’

Day 1… again…”

And this has immediately made me want to NOT ever count days or write… because everyone else is… therefore I do not.

This is a life attitude that has been with me since childhood: whatever everyone else is doing, I’m not doing that.

I drank to rebel, now I will stay sober to rebel… but within that rebellion, I must rebel further by not counting days.

How silly I am, still, after all these years.

Ironically, I have always craved belonging, and in fact, have belonged in many places and in many ways. But I still feel that I have to do my own thing. You are a daft person, Smith.

Mind you, if the idea is to not drink again, then counting all the days of sobriety does not really matter. The days ahead are more important than the days behind. Maybe. Or I just want to be contrary. At least I can laugh at myself.

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