What I know

I know I felt so awkward last night  and it wasn’t because I had a drink in my hand it was because I did! We had a party, I’m good at parties and this I know.

I’d made my usual ‘rules’  about not wanting people to be getting smashed especially early on in the evening because I know just how the night will go.  Haha so it did go just like that.

i drank last night on my 100th day 1 and became the watcher and realised that these people I know and love, family and friends, are trapped by their drinking. I saw the euphoria turn (pretty damn quickly) into sadness, tears, hysteria and frustration and then come all the way back to a kind of exhausted euphoria which ended in anger and sadness! What a ride it was and one I’ve been jumping on and off for most of my life.

so what do I do? Today right now I feel strong , I have the courage of my convictions because it’s first thing in the morning and this is my normal. Get to this evening and the wine witch will start nattering down my ear because one drink won’t hurt.

so today I must commit to taking the first step on my new journey but hey I said this yesterday and absolutely meant it but hey ho that didn’t work out so well did it.

im focussing on the now, this is all I have because yesterday is only a memory and I don’t know what the next moment will bring. I’m driving this and will be accountable to myself

My 100th day 1!

I have decided yet again to begin again  at day 1 and dip  my toe into the wonderful world of blogging, of which I know nothing about so this will be an interesting journey I am sure haha!

I drink, a lot, everyday, and then some more. I used to think it was just me but have realised that I am not the only person who pretends this is not really their life and it is only for today. The logic behind creating this blog was just to have somewhere to write down what I am thinking and how this journey is going to begin and where it will take me in the end! My fear is of the unknown although I tell myself its more than that because of course I need to be able to tell myself something don’t I.

Expect rants, raves and likely some pretty deep shit interspersed with a huge dollop of poor me!